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Poadyum's LiveJournal:
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| Friday, November 14th, 2008 | | 4:32 am |
| | Monday, October 27th, 2008 | | 3:10 am |
I never even wanted to pretend to be straight until I went to college, what the fuck. But it's not like I try to be straight around my friends, or classmates in general really, I just really hate the feeling that everyone I see can tell that I'm gay. Like it's tiring, to just go out to eat, and feel terribly paranoid that everyone thinks less of me because I'm gay and they know it. And it's stressful to know that people can just look at me and tell that I'm gay and make assumptions about me and my personal life, while I don't really know a single thing about them just by looking at them. I'm constantly worried that someone is going to hurt me or something just because I'm gay and it's kind of scary. It's why I like to try and look anonymous sometimes and dress in generic-looking clothes so I don't stand out so much, but if I'm with my friends or other classmates in my major then I do like to dress stylishly and outrageously. And I'm still really annoyed every time I think about coming out to my family. Like, I feel like it's really stupid that they don't know, yet I have no gay friends to be supportive of me or to help me or anything like that. :( well, I just said that they don't know, but I think/hope that they do. I don't want it to be a huge surprise to them. I don't think it would be too hard for them to tell, just as long as they're not in denial about it or something. I kind of wish I told my sister about it this summer but like I said, the main thing keeping me from that is having no gay friends, and no boyfriend, etc.. I really really want a boyfriend but it's so difficult. Especially in this state in general. And I'm either too fat/bear-like for skinny twinky guys that I generally don't like, or too gay for the bear-type guys that I do like. :( actually, that last sentence is mostly bull shit since I actually have no clue what guys think of me since I don't know hardly any. Lately I've been thinking, I only know like 4 gay people and I hate 3 of them and the other one I like but he doesn't like me back. Anyway, back to my family. I don't think I ever really wrote about how I expect my family to react to my coming out, so I guess I'll write about that now. Mom: is basically the greatest unknown. I have no clue. She could either be really accepting or completely disown me. I don't know how I could possibly deal if she stopped loving me or something like that. I love her and I don't want our relationship to change. I really want to have a partner who can be just like Dan or Beth, and not any different from them, and I want all of us to get along really well and all care for each other a lot. I know I meant to explain how I think my mom might react but I just wanted to say that. If I'm being honest with myself I think she would still love me and nothing would change, really, but I just have no idea and I'm really petrified. I can literally count the times anything specifically gay related has been mentioned by her on one hand. Once she asked me, "have you heard the latest about songebob?" and I said, no, what? And she said, "they're saying he's gay. I mean, come on, leave him alone, he's a cartoon!" and I seriously have no fucking clue why she brought that up or what possessed her to do that or what she meant or anything. Another time was when we were talking about Gigli, that terrible movie with J.lo, and I asked why people were so upset with it or something like that, and she mentioned that "in the movie J.lo is a lesbian and some people are upset with that and the trailer hinted at that" or something along those lines, and I couldn't tell how she felt about that at all. The third time anything gay came up around her was when my sister mentioned that she and her friend were going to see the gay men's choir perform, and she just said oh, I think. And the only other thing I can conceive of being gay-related was when she told me about one of her cousins. I think his name MIGHT have been Dan. She said that he was her favorite cousin, and he was just a few years older than her, and she always loved being with him and stuff, but he died at a young age, I think in his 20's or 30's. I asked why, and she said she thinks he died from AIDS. :( it would have been the 70's or 80's when he died, when most of the people dying from AIDS were gay men. so, if he was gay, then I know at least she's capable of loving a family member that is gay. My dad: I think he will be okay with it. He really is sweet to me and puts up with so much of my bs, I really don't deserve it. I know that one of his best friends from when he was young is gay. He has generally been nice about gay people like 95 percent of the time except sometimes he says faggot in ways that make me feel uncomfortable. But I think he'll be accepting, and I fucking hope he's got it figured out already that I'm gay, I get the sense a lot of the time that he does know but occasionally he seems to think I'm not. It's confusing. Sm: I think will be totally fine. I'm pretty sure her friend Brett from highschool was gay and like I said she went to the gay men's choir. She has always been nice to me and I love her so much even though I feel like we've had an awkward relationship lately. Actually it was her 30th birthday just today. Honestly I can't keep talking about her right now because I'm starting to feel really emotional. I'll talk about her another time. :( My brothers, I think will be okay with it, we've always kinda been like, do your own thing, you know what I mean? And I don't think they'll be surprised too much. The rest of my family members I don't really care about. Well, I don't want my grandparents to know at all because they're old and I don't expect them to accept it. And my brother/sister in law, I think they'll be fine with it too. He might be slightly awkward about it but he shouldn't be surprised. She I think will be nice and not care even though she's really christiany. My extended family I really don't care how they feel about it. They just better be nice to my partner or I'll be really angry with them. Anyway. I hate having to deal with all this crazy drama and shit. Straight people really don't have to worry about all this. :/ | | 2:22 am |
All I wanna do is watch utena and Daria and play Disgaea and talk to DS until I die or find a boyfriend, whichever happens first. >__< As in, I want to do those things and not go to class. -__- or sleep. Ugh, sleep is a waste of my time. :( and I need a haircut, I think I'll go to the barber tomorrow maybe. I have no cash at all which is crappy and I don't know how I'll tip, and hopefully I won't be gay-bashed/assaulted/ whatever else might happen because I'm gay and can't act straight enough to go to the barber. Fuck. | | Tuesday, October 7th, 2008 | | 10:25 pm |
All men have this smell, that's the same among all men, and it freaks me the fuck out because I never even smelled it until I started cruising, and now I smell it on random men. Regg, Dr. S, and JCal all have this smell, sometimes. Really odd. Anyway, haven't updated for a while. Going to a depression screening thing tomorrow heh. Will make a longer post about stuff kinda soon, maybe. :x | | Monday, June 30th, 2008 | | 12:06 am |
| | Tuesday, June 24th, 2008 | | 12:14 am |
| | Saturday, June 21st, 2008 | | 2:01 am |
Eek
Re: Rock Hudson with a beard: One word: FUCKING WOOF. Seriously. Uh, anyway. I'm kinda addicted to cruising, or sommmmething. It's just stupid because every time I've been out in the past week (probably 4 or 5 times), either the police are there, no one's there, or that fucking creepy guy with the voice that sounds like a bass Truman Capote is there. Ughh. Today was the third. But it's actually not so bad, because usually when the other two things happen I get home at like 5am and I feel shitty, but now I don't really have a desire to go back. Haha. I feel a little fat, need to work out I guess. :P | | Friday, June 13th, 2008 | | 12:05 pm |
| | Friday, February 29th, 2008 | | 9:00 pm |
| | Monday, January 14th, 2008 | | 11:11 pm |
My love is like an oven
Okay, this is awkward for me to even post about, but I'll try. :/ It'll be good to get my thoughts typed out, at least. I don't have art with Will anymore, which is sad for me, but I had half-given up on him anyway. But then today, I was walking into lunch, and he turns around while I was walking down the cafeteria, and he looks straight at me and starts talking to me. @O@ I was like Hii! And he asked me what class I'm in now, I told him local and state history second period and psych fourth, and he was like ohh, then I asked him what he is in and he said study hall but he wanted to get it changed to art again. I was like ah I see~ And he was being so nice and shit <33 But my stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid idiot idiot self started saying goodbye too early. And he was about to start saying anything when I started saying bye, but then he was like oh okay, and waved all nicely and I was like oh sorry, go ahead or something, and he said some more stuff. I completely forget what else we talked about, but I don't think it was for very long. :/ Fuck, so, I am getting completely mixed signals!!! And I feel like such a dumbass! If he really was acting interested in me and shit, I kinda blew him off. I'm so upset. But, I thought maybe tomorrow I would ask him about Beautiful Katamari and tell him I want to play it and see if I could go over to his place and see what he said. :/ But shit, I would be so scared to ask him. And even if he said yes and stuff, I don't know how I would know what he wanted. T_T I feel like Jeff and Paul in Major Conflict (the book). Like, what if we both really like each other a lot, but we're both really scared to let the other know or something? What if it's one-sided? :/ Fuck. So. I don't really feel any better. Now I'm anxious as hell for lunch tomorrow. That, and DS is in my class for the first time since 8th fcking grade. and he wasn't here today. blah. Current Mood:  shit | | Monday, December 10th, 2007 | | 10:21 pm |
wtf
So. I am completely in love with Will. He is seriously the cutest guy ever and he is nice and funny too. Fuckin' a. I don't know if he's gay or not... Urgh.. He doesn't have an older brother, apparently. But anyway. Nothing much else. College college college ugh. I should be working right now. But I'm always working last-minute, ne? That's bad though. :/ I need a boyfriend. Will is so perfect for me. T_T Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Current Mood: sad | | Sunday, August 19th, 2007 | | 11:38 pm |
Not friends only.
Lots of reasons why I feel like shit! 8D -Everyone on the internet is fucking poor -My dad needs a fucking job already -And he makes me hateful and bigoted -I need a boyfriend -And I can't even hook up with craig'slist..!!! -I only have two days of summer vacation left for the rest of my life-This is the first time in over 7 years I'm actually hoping DS is not in any of my classes... But no matter which happens, I'm still going to be so fucked up over him for the rest of my life anyway. -I don't think CY and I have any classes together, which is so shitty and makes me realize we'll probably never really be good friends again -I have a freaking essay to write and I should probably take some more notes too, even though I really did finish reading the book -I have NO IDEA whose fault things are; If I reason it out and I think that it's someone else's fault, which is all the freaking time, I tell myself to stop blaming other people so much, but I know it can't always be my fault so I'm confused. -I've never had a job before and I don't really want one all that bad, but being poor is even worse than having to work, right? - I need a boyfriend...!!!!!!!!! Urgh!!!!!!!! I literally feel pain in my chest when I think about that. -I hate having female friends. I secretly don't like females at all. I wish men would like me more. -I get weird-ass feelings when I think about DK and when I saw 'it' at Meijer. I love talking about shit on this lj. I know I can't be honest on my other one. I wonder if anyone secretly reads this and knows that it's really "me".... Like you, ST. Do you read this? I wish I could be completely honest with you. I'd like to tell you that I'm sorry I suck as a friend. You know what? I think I'll write a message to everyone on my friends list. Or at least the ones I have something to say to. MIK: Sorry I suck as a friend to you, too. I was totally retarded when I talked about you in a chat room and you were in it and I didn't notice. JAN: I hate to admit it, but I don't think your art is nearly as good as I used to think. It's actually really upsetting to me. LAI: Are you mad at me? I've left you so many comments recently and you haven't said shit to me. I guess you must be mad because I fucked up the spelling of your name or something. RIL: Uh... I always really liked you. A lot. More than you ever liked me, I'm pretty sure. Which sucks. But have fun with your lesbian down in wherever you are now. ROK: You're awesome. I'm not sure why, but I thought there was tension between us, but I don't think there is anymore. You're so nice and I'm glad we're still friends. TAT: I think you're SO cool. I seriously want to be just like you in a few years. And you're pretty nice to me too. <3 MIA: I think you're cool too. hope you live somewhere you like next. Anyway, I feel better because I'm playing an awesome game right now. | | Thursday, August 9th, 2007 | | 11:13 pm |
Longggg time
I'm fucking obsessed with hooking up with guys on craigslist. And I haven't even done it yet. Urgh. PS: it's been a long time since I updated last. That guy I talked about in my last post? He's single now. In my brain, it's because his girlfriend found his secret love letters to me that he never meant to send. But that's not even true! Lol ...Not that I know why he's not engaged anymore. Hmmmmmmm. | | Wednesday, February 14th, 2007 | | 7:26 pm |
In honor of Valentine's day, I thought I'd write a little about my latest infatuation. I don't even know his name, but shit, is he adorable. He is also the worship leader person at my church. Shit! And he's engaged. To a woman. And probably doesn't like gay people. But aside from that, his is amazing. Everything about him is adorable, from his face to his clothes to his voice to his hair to his singing... I never think of him throughout the week, so when I see him at church on Saturday it's like a wonderful little surprise. That came out weird. But anyway, he is amazingly adorable. I wish he was my best friend, I'd go camping with him <3 Current Mood:  Infatuated | | Monday, October 2nd, 2006 | | 3:09 pm |
It was easier posting upset when livejournal didn't look so cheery... I'll try. So today I found out Aleck is dating Peter... How fucked up is that? What a little whore Peter is, having fucked Dustin and probably DS and some others I don't even know of, but of course I wish that I do... Well. And Aleck is gay? What crawled up his ass to be fake to me last year? Whatever. He is a nice person, and I'm not attracted to him but I'm annoyed I just found out nd it was like "Aleck is dating Peter". Thanks Chelsea. And I really wish I would talk with Peter, to be honest, but I don't think he likes me at all since my friends spilled their shit on him... I think he's ugly too. Also, that boy in my lunch period is so cute and attainable and I wish we talked or something but no. Whatever.. I'd rather have Derek anyway. He's so unbelievably hot and I wish he was gay and liked me. Also, I drew a picture of MJ in my notebook today, and the way everyone responds to it when they see it makes me feel so bad. MJ is such a wonderful person and so talented and I can't stand that people don't overlook his "problems", which are really just that he is so unfortunate. My dad appreciated the picture, though.... But I think every time he sees art I make it's a really bad piece. He probably really thinks I'm bad. But I'm sure I'm not as good as Aa anyhow. Current Mood: crushedCurrent Music: FF - Arctic Circle | | Thursday, January 13th, 2005 | | 5:02 pm |
Friends only from here on out. But I don't have any friends added.. | | Saturday, July 10th, 2004 | | 12:58 am |
Shitty-feeling
So, first of all, my mom's being extremely bitchy for no apparant reason, my computer's being extremely stupid, and amusement parks make me sad. Damn men. They suck, you know. But the Gay Pimp will always cheer me up, ha. Yeah that video is great. I wish there was a Gay Pimp community on here. Guess that's it. | | Friday, June 4th, 2004 | | 10:01 pm |
He's so much better than me and he knows it and it pisses me off and he's mean and I'm so possessive I know I'd never get over it if he got a boyfriend I'm so retarded and I can't even tell anyone and he's so mean and I don't get what he's trying to say to me and he's such a bastard and he has so many friends and he lies to me and I love him but I hate him and he doesn't like me and he's so insensitive and he never tries to find out how I'm feeling and he doesn't ever tell me anything and I wish he would stop saying shit about people I like because his fiends are shit and I hate him and he has friends over right now and he never tells me shit... He is definitely better than me and Im such shit. I don't care if he forgets my birthday and eveything I don't feel like seeing that freaking movie anyway. And I don't think I could take sleeping in the same bed with him without doing anything one more time. He is so mean I can't take it some times... I wish he would shut up sometimes, he says he loves me but there's no way he could mean it. He's sitting there with Anthony right now, I can't even believe it. And he asked me if Anthony was my friend. How stupid is he? I said no and he asked me why... Because he's mean, I told him. Then he said 'but you're friends with me'.. Yeah, just barely, because he's the only flipping friend I have in the world. If I didn't like him my life would suck even more. Wtf did he just say to me? "Just jamming in blazers"? What? He's so retarded, and that makes it worse that he's better than me. God I hate him so much and I think it's because I'm jealous. He is so much better than me. His family hasn't gone and abandoned him like mine has.. He has so much more than I do, and he's so attractive and skinny, the complete opposite of me. He has so many friends and all I have is him... I hsd a dream about him when I go home today. He had on these like glasses and I tried to talk to him but he just looked away... That's a good representation of how I feel he is to me. Even though he's probably so much nicer to me than I deserve... I know why I can't let him go, though. Every relationship I had when I was little is gone now... My mom and dad split up, her first husband was awful, my brother and sister have moved away and started relationships, my other brother ran away to the military and he's in Cali, all of my friends from more than four years ago I don't get along with or we don't talk... I'm so afraid of losing any relationship I have right now that I'm willing to endure this shit he makes me put up with.. I'm so afraid of losing him.. Sometimes I wish he would die so I could just cry and be done with me.. He can't be mean to me if he's dead.. That was so mean of him. He wasn't saying anything so I said say something.. Then he said stop i'm busy... I feel like crying right now, he doesn't care about me at all... He's too busy to talk to me.. He doesn't like me, I know.... Current Mood: crappy | | Wednesday, June 2nd, 2004 | | 10:23 pm |
1. DMS: He was so mean earlier, but after class he was so nice.. I don't know why it's always like that.. He's so mean sometimes, I dunno.. Well I'm definitely going to invite him over this weekend >.> I hope he will want to, blah.. 3. English: We have a quiz tomorow >_<;; Uhhh I'm thinking.. I'll do okay.. >.> I hope so much. Oh well. Sucks for me if I flunk english. You get what you deserve I guess. Oh, I have to go, I'll edit this later with more.. | | Tuesday, June 1st, 2004 | | 8:05 pm |
Okaaaay yep here I go again. 1. DMS: He smelled really good today, must have been trying to hide something. It worked though. :P So he got a one dollar fine today too. O_o He's being nicer to me again. I'll invite him over again sometime. >.> 2. H: I officially put this on hiatus o_o; 3. English: We got an 80 on the movie because of the shitty dubbing and it's Rahel's fault .o. 4. Sunday I went to Cedar Point, there were soo many hot guys there.. Our waiter was so nice.. I just kept thinking that the next time I go there I want to be with a boyfriend. So badly. It's unbearable sometimes, I swear my self esteem is so bad. No one would ever want to be my boyfriend, I should just stop caring about it and accept it. 5. I'm making a new one.. I need to lose weight. So this summer I'll lose weight. I only lose weight if I put my mind to it. I know I can, I did it before. Yeah, maybe some guys will actually pay attention to me if I lose weight.. Meh. Well I guess I'd be done you know >.> Current Mood:  blah |
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